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watashixnoxyume
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Name: Nana
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 12/31/1985
Interests: anime, music (mostly rock, emo, punk rock), sleeping, manga, movies, books... sleeping... :D
Expertise: sleeping... er... not much else... maybe typing :D 100+wpm
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/7/2006
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| My trip to the hospital today left me with mixed feelings. Do I really
want to go back to Berkeley, or do I want to stay here, in LA? I love
it in Berkeley, but at the same time, I don't want to leave my mother.
After she had dinner and watched "The Wheel of Fortune," she fell
asleep. My dad and I got up to leave, and he went over to the other
side of the bed to turn off the tv. She woke up and asked us where we
were going. I said that we were going home, and she said not to go...
"가지마," in this really sad, lonely voice. As I explained to her that I
had to go back home to pack for going back to Berkeley, she kept
nodding and saying okay. And once I was done, she said again, "집에
가지마..." Not to my father at all, but to me. ME. How do I leave someone
like that? Especially when it's my own mother?
I sat down next to her and held her hand and told her, "엄마 잠들때까지 여기
있을께" (I'll stay right here until you fall asleep). She looked and me
and nodded, giving me the slightest of smiles. I seriously considered
staying there all night and having my dad pick me up at around 6AM so
that I could pack and get ready. Fuck being tired all day, this is my
momma. That's when I realized that visiting hours were over at 9PM. As
I sat there, holding her hand, looking at her, I wanted to cry. My eyes
welled up but I couldn't let myself cry... not with my father there,
not with the nurse there... And I didn't want to wake her up by crying
and have her see me crying.
She fell asleep pretty quickly and we left. In the car, I forced myself
to talk about stupid little things with my dad so that I wouldn't cry.
I had dinner and forced myself to enjoy it - my dad made it for me. He
said jokingly, "What am I going to do once you leave? I'm going to be
alone *laugh*" But I know that that wasn't completely a joke. My
father's going to be lonely, with only work, visits to the hospital and
korean dramas to fill his days. And chain smoking. My dad's been
smoking so much more lately... He keeps saying it's because he can't
smoke once my mom comes home, but I know it's because everything's
stressing him out. My mother, being alone, knowing that he has to take
care of her alone. That even with his not quite fluent English, he has
to be able to get through everything, to be able to talk to the health
care professionals, the social workers, everyone. That even if Grace is
only about 2 hours away, she can't come home whenever he needs her
because she has classes. That even if Grace is a bit accessible, I will
be far out of reach - there will be only one daughter around to help
even though they have two.
As I sit here, typing, barely being able to see if I'm making typos or
not, I wonder... if I should stay. I know my family will balk if I do,
especially since my mother IS getting better, but... hearing my momma
say "가지마" in that tone, in that way, with that look on her face... I
feel like the tears will never stop...
When I got home, I called Colin and he picked up. I told him about what
my mother said but cried only for about 5 seconds... He was out with
his friends and I didn't want to ruin it by crying to him for 30
minutes or more. It struck me when he said he was sorry because he
couldn't be here with me. Boyfriend or not, he's not obligated to be
with me, and just the fact that he said that made me want to cry more
because I knew that I couldn't do that to him, he'd been looking
forward to playing pool for so long, I couldn't cry for hours and tell
him that I needed him. When he asked me if he should come over later,
at around midnight, I considered saying yes, but instead, said no. He
has to wake up early tomorrow, too...
What am I going to do now...? I can't sit here and cry until I have to
call Colin and muster up a cheery voice telling him that it's 11:30, he
should head home soon so that he'll get enough sleep. I have things to
get done. I have to finish packing my things, get the things that my
sister forgot, print out some pictures for my dad, take a bath... But
all I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball on the bed or
on the floor, with a jacket or blanket over me, and cry... It sucks
when what you have to do and what you want to do are two completely
different things...
| | |
| It's amazing how
much of a difference one person can make. How much they can affect your
day. How much they can affect how you feel about things.
I woke up today and did some work. Colin got back to the US and called
me when he was at the airport - talked only for about 30 seconds but he
said he'd call me back when he was at home. And he did. I asked him to
come over to keep me company until I had to go to the hospital, and he
did. He went to the hospital with me, as reluctant as he was to meet my
father. Even though he spent most of the time outside in the hallway
(he wouldn't stay in the room for some reason, something about how it's
for family and not strangers... always so considerate ^^), just the
fact that he was there with me helped a lot.
When the nurse frustrated me, I just went outside and put my head
against his shoulder. When my mom made me sad for one reason or
another, I went outside and leaned against him. Just being able to do
that made my time at the hospital so much easier to deal with...
All the times before, when something frustrated me or made me sad, all
I could do was just stand there or fail miserably at trying to help my
mother. I didn't lean on my father or sister, because they themselves
were burdened enough as it is. Having someone there, just... there,
made me feel a bit stronger, like I didn't need to cry so much. When my
mother didn't want to eat no matter what I said, he was sitting in the
chair right behind me... And instead of wanting to sit down and cry, I
just wanted my mother to eat so that the next time I came home, she
would be home, not at the hospital. So that she would be healthier the
next time I saw her, so that she would be the woman she was before the
surgery and the hospitalization.
I realized today, even more, that I'm so lucky to have him. And that I
have to work on some things if I don't want to lose him...
| | |
| Seeing that only the people I know and trust really know about this xanga, I've decided to make a post about my mother.
While I was at Berkeley, I received a phone call from my sister
informing me that my mother has been hospitalized yet again. Except
this time, they found out exactly what was wrong with her. A brain
tumor. My sister wouldn't let me go down immediately, telling me to
take my finals, so I went down on the 20th. Got to the hospital (which
will not be named because later, I will be talking shit about them) in
the evening and talked with my mom a bit... My mom who had just come
out of brain surgery and was somewhat delirious.
From that day on, I spent every day there. I didn't sleep there
overnight... Except once. My mother was discharged on the 24th of
December, some time in the evening. Approximately 3 hours later
(December 25th), she was complaining about a headache and eventually,
she started throwing up. Five hours in the waiting room. Sitting next
to my mother, who was unable to say much except "머리 아퍼..." and "물줘" in
between the times she was throwing up and trying not to pass out.
She was finally admitted into the emergency room, where she remained
for hours. My sister stayed with her and wouldn't leave her side, so I
ended up taking a nap in the car. My father went back and forth from
the waiting room and to the car, checking on me and hoping that my
sister would emerge from the emergency room - hopefully with my mother.
Evening of the 25th of December, my mother was finally admitted to the
ICU. I decided to stay overnight to watch over her and made my sister
go home; she hadn't slept at all since about 2AM. At least I'd had a
nap in the car. I dozed in the hospital room occasionally, but spent
most of it awake. I finally actually fell asleep close to 9AM... and
was abruptly woken up by a nurse at around 11AM. She woke me up because
I "looked odd." I had stayed up all night, and by 9AM, I was wiped out,
so I had been sleeping on the two chairs in the room. I explained to
her that I had stayed up all night but she just said I looked weird and
that I should probably keep my mother company and to watch her. I was
fully aware of that, but what can I do when even as I talk to my
mother, I'm falling asleep because I'm so tired?
She's still there at the hospital. They say she's stable now. She was
moved out of the ICU a couple days ago. They're going to do an
angiogram tomorrow (they're basically going to put a tube all the way
up from her leg to her head that'll put in contrast) to make sure she's
completely okay now. They didn't do it last time - they're doing it
this time because they had obviously discharged her too early the first
time... She hadn't really been ready to go home last time. The nurses
aren't taking good enough care of her. Some of the nurses are good,
they check on her and make sure she's actually doing okay and not just
asking her - some of the nurses seem to realize that my mom isn't
functioning so well and that she pretty much says "yes" and that she's
"okay" to everything but they still don't actually make sure she's
okay. There are some things that I don't want to write because it's a
little embarrassing and I know she wouldn't like me putting that stuff
online - or even telling people no matter how close they are to me, so
I'm not going to put them down. But these things that these people are
supposed to be checking and making sure are okay, they're not doing.
Half the time she gets good care, and the other half... she doesn't.
Why are these nurses who don't know what they're doing working at a
hospital, anyways?
One nurse who had to draw blood knew that it would be difficult because
my mom's been poked and prodded so many times that it's difficult for
most of the nurses to put in an IV or to draw blood from her veins.
After trying just once, she called an IV nurse knowing that she would
be sparing my mother a lot of pain. Most of the nurses, they keep
jabbing her with the needles and poking around and after trying for at
least five minutes, they call the IV nurse. When from the beginning,
they know how difficult it'll be for them to draw blood or put an IV in
her correctly. Multiple times, they put in the IV wrong so the fluids
went into the tissue and not the vein... My mother's right hand is
swollen and a small part of it is slightly discolored. They keep
telling us that the swelling and whatnot will go down, but it's been
days and it's not going down - it's slowly but steadily getting worse.
I talked to a couple of the doctors about it and they keep telling me
that it'll be okay, that the swelling's supposed to go down. But it's
not going down. They keep acting like it's not a problem... and that
bothers me. "Oh, the swelling will go down," they say. It's been at
least three days. When it first swelled up, they said it would go down
in a day or two. Her hand is ballooning to horrible proportions.
The fact that there isn't anything I can do for my mother is killing
me. All I want to do is cry when I see her lying there on the hospital
bed, unable to recognize where she is... when she tells me she doesn't
remember my name... when she says she doesn't remember Grace's name,
Sky's name... her own name. When she says the year is 1920, when she
says she's in San Francisco - or Mexico...
I don't even cry when I'm at home - my sister would have noticed
(before she went back to Santa Barbara), my father would notice... I
feel like I can't show them how weak I am, like I need to be strong for
them. Because if I fall apart, I feel like Grace would fall apart even
more than she already has. She refused to go back to school - I had to
make her go back to school. Right now, I have no one to lean against...
no one to just sit with and cry to. I don't want to bother friends, I
don't want to make them think that I can't handle this. People are
telling me that I'm handling this well. I'm not. It just seems like I
am. I can't just sit down and cry for forever, I can't just turn off
the lights and hope that the rest of the world just melts away... If I
did anything like that, I would fall apart and there would be no one to
pick up the pieces... And I would just stay that way, broken... Unable
to pick myself up - or maybe not willing to pick myself up...
There have been times when I wondered maybe... am I a bad daughter for
wanting to be away from all this? It's not that I don't want to take
care of my mother, to help her get better, to spend time with her,
especially when she's like this... But there are times when I want to
get away from it all... From the pain of seeing her the way she is
right now, from the pain of knowing there isn't much I can do to help
her, from the pain of knowing that I can't take away her pain, from the
pain of knowing that once I leave LA it'll just be my dad and my mom,
from the pain of knowing that my father will be alone in helping my
mother, from the pain of knowing that I'm abandoning them regardless of
school, from the pain of knowing that if anything happens it'll be
because I wasn't there to help my father take care of her... from the
pain of knowing that I'm not strong enough for it.
There has been only one person through all of this that I've completely
relied on. I don't know how many times I've called Alex, asking him
questions about my mother that the doctors seemed too busy to answer,
that the nurses didn't care to answer. I don't know how many times he's
picked up my call, knowing that I'm pretty much only calling to ask
more questions. I don't know how many times, when I call him, I just
want to cry, because I know he's one person I wouldn't mind leaning on.
I don't know how many times I've called him, knowing that he'll pick up
unless he's working. I don't know how many times I've called him and
he's stayed on the phone with me as long as he could if I needed it. I
don't know how many times I've realized how much of a blessing Alex is
in my life, no matter how odd of a first meeting we had. I don't know
how many times he's helped me become a little stronger through all of
this... Every phone call with him instills in me a bit more faith, a
bit more strength... Alex has taken an active interest in my mother...
and it's comforting to know that he actually cares... if he didn't, he
wouldn't pick up my calls, he wouldn't answer my questions. Through
this dark time in my life, he has been there to answer my questions, to
let me know that he cares, to let me know that he's right there if I
need him (regardless of the fact that he's away in Seattle right now).
Through this darkness in my life, he has been lighting my way through
(as cheesy and lame as this sounds, it's true). I don't think Alex will
ever fully realize how much I appreciate him, how much of a strength
he's been for me. Because this feeling... I will never be able to
express with mere words.
The few friends I've told, all react the same way. "Oh, no! Oh my god,
Gloria, are you okay? How's your mom now?" I appreciate all of this.
But from these few friends who know, I appreciate Peter the most. He
has been there to listen when I needed to vent about something. He has
been there when all I want to do is talk. He has let me know that he
will always be by my side, regardless of his physical location. He has
prayed for my mother, for me, for my family. And I know that he will
always be there, that when my friends from high school, from college,
are gone, he will still be there. Because I refuse to lose him, I
refuse to lose contact with him. He is someone who I know will always
pick up my calls, who will always listen to me - regardless of how
trivial my problems are, no matter how huge my problems are. To me, he
is my brother, my friend. He has somehow inched his way into my heart
so completely that if he were to leave, I'd be left with a gap that can
never be refilled. I'm not in love with him, the time for that has long
passed. But I will always love Peter, for being my friend, my
confidante, my brother.
Colin... what can I say about him? He's been there for me, when he
could be. He's in Korea, not much he can do. And because he's in Korea,
trying to have fun, I would rather not keep him on the phone, crying.
We talk about the little things, like how our days went. We talk a bit
about my mother. Because of who he is, just hearing his voice and
hearing from him how his day went makes me happy. It makes me a bit
stronger. It motivates me to get things done. I am glad that I have
him. I'm lucky to have him... He brightens up my day, a hug from him
shields me from the harshness in the world, his presence dulls the pain
of living... I haven't known him long, I haven't been with him long,
but I already know that I'm lucky to have someone like him by my side.
Regardless of what's going on in my life.
Not much else to say for now because I also have a lot of work to get done. Ciao~
Right now... When I'm on the phone, I sound completely dead. I sound
like I don't even want to be on the phone... But that's not what it
is... I just feel dead on the inside right now... I've bottled up these
feelings for so long that they're starting to eat away at my soul...
I'm sorry if I've become a burden... - Nana
| | |
| Went to Santa Barbara with Tiffany and Grace. Tiffany and I took a
little nap (and I think Grace fell asleep at a certain point, too ^^),
then the three of us went to Subway. Oh my god, Santa Barbara white
boys can be so good-looking... Time to wipe the drool off.
Got back home, showed Tiffany the sword Court got me :3 It really is a
kick-ass sword ^^ Tiffany said it wasn't a weapon, it was a murderer or
something like that. She liked it as much as I do (okay, maybe not as
much, since it also has some sentimental value because it's from Court).
E-mailed my baby, realized I should probably give Andy a call, too.
Haha. Did some work for my dad... Dad went out... He's still out... Fun
day, but pretty dull night. Well, not much to say except I really miss
my baby... :[
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| Decided it was time to start a new xanga. So here it is. Will actually post... just not now ^^
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